Saturday, April 26, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
Celebration of Life
Well, here in 5 hours we will be attending a party in my Mom's honor. We will celebrate her life in a ceremony at the LDS church. It would appear there are going to be many many people there. My heart is already throbbing and my stomach hurting. It's days like these that I hate emotions and want to run. I hope I can let go and cry out loud during the service. Not be the "strong girl" and keep a stiff upper lip. Being the oldest, I think everything and everyone is depending on me always. Now here's a concept:
I can't
Something else Can
I think I will let it.
I can't
Something else Can
I think I will let it.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
GRIEVING
My Mom died @ 1:28am Thursday April 17. She was surrounded by her family until the end. We did not realize she was so close to death this past week. I knew she was scared but she never said, "I'm dying". Maybe she thought she had more time too.
I've not really cried yet. Oh, a whimper here and there but not bawled like I know I need to do. I've been keeping myself so busy that I don't have time to feel but I know the pain is there waiting to consume me when I finally let it through. All my life I've had to be the strong one. I'm the oldest and had to always be an example and was told "Big girls don't cry".
Mom died from COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease). A disease I also have and treat every day. I'm frightened that I will follow my mothers same path. She is only 16 yrs older than me.
I'm very grateful for my Mom's church family. They have been so supportive through this difficult time. We will have the funeral at the church on Monday April 21 at 5:00pm.
I've not really cried yet. Oh, a whimper here and there but not bawled like I know I need to do. I've been keeping myself so busy that I don't have time to feel but I know the pain is there waiting to consume me when I finally let it through. All my life I've had to be the strong one. I'm the oldest and had to always be an example and was told "Big girls don't cry".
Mom died from COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease). A disease I also have and treat every day. I'm frightened that I will follow my mothers same path. She is only 16 yrs older than me.
I'm very grateful for my Mom's church family. They have been so supportive through this difficult time. We will have the funeral at the church on Monday April 21 at 5:00pm.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
HIT A WALL
* THE WALL *
I sat inside my wall safe and secure from the entire world. My wall kept me secure. My wall allowed no one to come near me, no one to touch me, no one to see the real me. My wall was beautiful. I loved my wall. I had spent a lifetime constructing my wall. I had used only the choicest materials for building my wall. A large stone which was the centerpiece of my wall was resentment. This was a rock that I cherished deeply. Next to this rock was another which I truly loved and this rock was self-pity. Next to this rock was one called hatred. Next to it was one called rationalization. Next to it was one called fear. This was a large and heavy stone. A stone that I had placed very carefully into my wall. One was called anger. This was large and brightly colored stone that the entire world could see. This was a very important stone in my wall anger. Because it warded off many people who tried to approach me as I set behind my wall. Jealousy was another prominent stone in my wall. A stone that I had nurtured and kept with me for years. It was my constant companion. Frustration was also a part of my wall. In fact, my entire wall was fraught with frustration. It was the mortar that held all the stones in place that protected me. As I said, I had taken years to build this wall and it protected me from the world and cushioned me from all reality. I loved my wall. No one could approach me. No one could get close.
Then one day as I was sitting secure behind my wall, something very strange happened. I heard someone pass outside my wall. I could not see who it was but I heard their footsteps stop beside my wall. A flower was thrown over the top of my wall and it fell at my feet. A delicate fragile single blossom. I picked it up and looked at it in wonderment. It was so beautiful. It was perfect. And I wondered who had thrown the flower over my wall. And I was curious. So I called out and asked who had thrown the flower over my wall, and a voice replied, “A friend.” I replied I have not friend, and I was happy again for my wall. There was stone of doubt in my wall that allowed me not to be deceived by this person. Then I heard a strange noise. It was weeping. The stranger outside my wall, who had thrown the flower, was crying beside my wall. So I called out and I asked them why they cried and they answered because they cared. They said they would like to breach my wall and come close to me. But I would not allow this. So as the weeping persisted, I thought perhaps this person would not hurt me. Perhaps I could allow them to come a little closer and not suffer any ill effects. So I pushed aside one small part of my wall. One small stone I removed from my wall and left an opening. And to my amazement, the stranger outside my wall put his hand through the hole in my wall, and stood there asking nothing, expecting nothing, just an outstretched hand. Haltingly, hesitatingly, I reached out and took hold of the strangers’ hand. And a very wondrous thing happened. I felt warmth. I felt a vitality in a strangers’ hand that I had never known before. And we stood there holding hands through the wall I had built around myself.
So I told the stranger, “If you will help me, we can remove a few stones from my wall so that you might pass through.” The stranger said he would be more than willing to help. So begrudgingly, fearfully, I allowed the stranger to remove a few of the small insignificant stones from my wall until they had made a hole large enough to step through. And they stepped inside my wall and said, “I am here to help you. I am here to be a friend.” This stranger was within my wall. I had no defense. So I placed my arms around this strangers shoulder and I wept. For at last I had found that I could allow another human being to come close to me and I would not be injured or hurt. My new found friend said, “This wall is unnecessary. If you will help me, we can push down this wall and free you from it, where you can see the beautiful world outside.”
I was very hesitant to allow the friend to remove the stones from my wall. But one by one, together, we dragged down the stones. Frustration left. And then we tore down the stone of resentment which was heavy and defied movement for a long time. We labored together. Sometimes quickly and sometimes at a very slow pace, because I was still very hesitant about removing my wall. And finally the hole was large enough so that I could look out into the world. And I could see the beauty of the world for the first time. And for the first time I was not afraid and I realized that this wall that I had built to protect myself had not only protected me from the world, but it had shut me off from the beauty of life and the world around me. Everywhere outside my wall there were strangers and friends who are willing to help. Those who are willing to share with me their love and their caring.
I have wept many times at the passing of my wall. There are still parts of my wall standing. Sometimes in moments of weakness, I retreat behind what is left of my wall and I stand there shielded from the world. But each time I shield myself from the world, I realize that I am cutting myself off from all that the world has to offer; of friendship, of love, of caring. And upon rethinking my situation each time, I tear a little more of my wall down. Every day I become more visible to the world and every day I am able to view more of the world. To enjoy the beauties of this world with the help of a friend. A friend who wanted no more than to help. And I asked my friend, “How can I repay you for what you have given me?” And my friends reply was strange because it was unselfish. My friend said, “I see another wall. Behind that wall is another stranger who would like to be a friend.” So now I pick a flower and I cast it over some stranger’s wall in the hope that I can repay some of what has been given to me. Of love. Of caring. Of the knowledge that there is good and that good is there for all. And all that we must do is to open a little hole in our wall where we can view the world and the world can view us. And it can be a beautiful place.
I sat inside my wall safe and secure from the entire world. My wall kept me secure. My wall allowed no one to come near me, no one to touch me, no one to see the real me. My wall was beautiful. I loved my wall. I had spent a lifetime constructing my wall. I had used only the choicest materials for building my wall. A large stone which was the centerpiece of my wall was resentment. This was a rock that I cherished deeply. Next to this rock was another which I truly loved and this rock was self-pity. Next to this rock was one called hatred. Next to it was one called rationalization. Next to it was one called fear. This was a large and heavy stone. A stone that I had placed very carefully into my wall. One was called anger. This was large and brightly colored stone that the entire world could see. This was a very important stone in my wall anger. Because it warded off many people who tried to approach me as I set behind my wall. Jealousy was another prominent stone in my wall. A stone that I had nurtured and kept with me for years. It was my constant companion. Frustration was also a part of my wall. In fact, my entire wall was fraught with frustration. It was the mortar that held all the stones in place that protected me. As I said, I had taken years to build this wall and it protected me from the world and cushioned me from all reality. I loved my wall. No one could approach me. No one could get close.
Then one day as I was sitting secure behind my wall, something very strange happened. I heard someone pass outside my wall. I could not see who it was but I heard their footsteps stop beside my wall. A flower was thrown over the top of my wall and it fell at my feet. A delicate fragile single blossom. I picked it up and looked at it in wonderment. It was so beautiful. It was perfect. And I wondered who had thrown the flower over my wall. And I was curious. So I called out and asked who had thrown the flower over my wall, and a voice replied, “A friend.” I replied I have not friend, and I was happy again for my wall. There was stone of doubt in my wall that allowed me not to be deceived by this person. Then I heard a strange noise. It was weeping. The stranger outside my wall, who had thrown the flower, was crying beside my wall. So I called out and I asked them why they cried and they answered because they cared. They said they would like to breach my wall and come close to me. But I would not allow this. So as the weeping persisted, I thought perhaps this person would not hurt me. Perhaps I could allow them to come a little closer and not suffer any ill effects. So I pushed aside one small part of my wall. One small stone I removed from my wall and left an opening. And to my amazement, the stranger outside my wall put his hand through the hole in my wall, and stood there asking nothing, expecting nothing, just an outstretched hand. Haltingly, hesitatingly, I reached out and took hold of the strangers’ hand. And a very wondrous thing happened. I felt warmth. I felt a vitality in a strangers’ hand that I had never known before. And we stood there holding hands through the wall I had built around myself.
So I told the stranger, “If you will help me, we can remove a few stones from my wall so that you might pass through.” The stranger said he would be more than willing to help. So begrudgingly, fearfully, I allowed the stranger to remove a few of the small insignificant stones from my wall until they had made a hole large enough to step through. And they stepped inside my wall and said, “I am here to help you. I am here to be a friend.” This stranger was within my wall. I had no defense. So I placed my arms around this strangers shoulder and I wept. For at last I had found that I could allow another human being to come close to me and I would not be injured or hurt. My new found friend said, “This wall is unnecessary. If you will help me, we can push down this wall and free you from it, where you can see the beautiful world outside.”
I was very hesitant to allow the friend to remove the stones from my wall. But one by one, together, we dragged down the stones. Frustration left. And then we tore down the stone of resentment which was heavy and defied movement for a long time. We labored together. Sometimes quickly and sometimes at a very slow pace, because I was still very hesitant about removing my wall. And finally the hole was large enough so that I could look out into the world. And I could see the beauty of the world for the first time. And for the first time I was not afraid and I realized that this wall that I had built to protect myself had not only protected me from the world, but it had shut me off from the beauty of life and the world around me. Everywhere outside my wall there were strangers and friends who are willing to help. Those who are willing to share with me their love and their caring.
I have wept many times at the passing of my wall. There are still parts of my wall standing. Sometimes in moments of weakness, I retreat behind what is left of my wall and I stand there shielded from the world. But each time I shield myself from the world, I realize that I am cutting myself off from all that the world has to offer; of friendship, of love, of caring. And upon rethinking my situation each time, I tear a little more of my wall down. Every day I become more visible to the world and every day I am able to view more of the world. To enjoy the beauties of this world with the help of a friend. A friend who wanted no more than to help. And I asked my friend, “How can I repay you for what you have given me?” And my friends reply was strange because it was unselfish. My friend said, “I see another wall. Behind that wall is another stranger who would like to be a friend.” So now I pick a flower and I cast it over some stranger’s wall in the hope that I can repay some of what has been given to me. Of love. Of caring. Of the knowledge that there is good and that good is there for all. And all that we must do is to open a little hole in our wall where we can view the world and the world can view us. And it can be a beautiful place.
Morning Time
Morning is the best time of day for me. My body is refreshed, my head clear, and am ready to take on whatever the day brings my way. I am feeling better this morning but still a little melancholy. I prayed this morning and asked for help.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Powerlessness
I hate feeling the way I've been feeling tonight. Actually all day but it overflowed after I got home from work. It's not been very nice in my head and I want to scream. I'm Powerless over other people and that includes my co workers, my husband, my Mom and my Sister (just to name the most recent). Thank god for sponsors. I called and whined my mouth off. She suggested I write about it so here I am once again. When the pain of my problem becomes greater than the pain of my solution; I will seek the solution. I must say I've been feeling quite overwhelmed and out of control. Out of control to the point of being angry, and I don't like that at all. Hopefully after a good restful nights sleep I'll wake up with a new attitude. One of gratitude would be the best and most welcomed. HP help me to do your will and not mine. Let me live with dignity and enjoy the beauty in ALL my surroundings. Peace Out.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Starting to Grieve
I guess I better start talking / writing about my Mom. She has been in the nursing home for a little over 2 years now. She has been in the hospital twice this winter with influenza. This last time was very scary as she was close to death. I must say my Mom has not been the same since. She is on a lot of medication and I try to take that into account. Using words that don't belong, not staying on topic, easily confused, and anger are a part of every visit now. Today I went to see her after morning meeting. She says she knows she is getting close to dying. We talked about her DNR order and Hospice and how a person can not have both. Mom wants to rescind her DNR order saying it was a joke when she signed up. She wants heroic measures taken to save her life; even if it mean being put on a respirator. I tried to talk to her about quality vs quantity in life. The will to live is so strong. At least it is in her. I wonder if I will be like that when it is my turn?
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Spring Fling Bike Show
WoW! What a day. My oldest daughter, Stinna, was the chair this year for the ABATE chapter 12 Spring Fling bike show held at the fairgrounds. I watched the grand kids while she was being of service. After picking up my other daughter, Bobbi, and her kids we all visited the fairgrounds. There was some pretty amazing bikes out there. Lots of leather, trophies, and old hippies were also in attendance.
Below are pictures of my granddaughter Isabel and grandson Jorgen. We had a real good time today coloring, reading books, playing peek a boo, and eating sugar (something their mom does not let them do).
I'm home now and very happy to be here. Some TV and a nice warm bed for me. I remember now why we are young when we have children. I'm exhausted!
Below are pictures of my granddaughter Isabel and grandson Jorgen. We had a real good time today coloring, reading books, playing peek a boo, and eating sugar (something their mom does not let them do).
I'm home now and very happy to be here. Some TV and a nice warm bed for me. I remember now why we are young when we have children. I'm exhausted!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Thursday - Apr.10
Back to work and the real world. I have been tired every day this week. Age is catching up with me I guess. My house is trashed, I have not unpacked, and I have many taped shows to watch. This week I've been gone every evening and will be agian tonight. I'm taking my sister, Wendy, to see out Mom at the nursing home, Holiday Resort. Both are in very poor health and need to see each other as often as possible.
Rod and I have been working on the house in Neosho Rapids again. I washed down and put an oil finish on all the cabinets last night. I'm anxious to see how they turned out. If this expensive stuff I bought (Restorz It) works it will save me a lot of sanding and refinishing. I sure hope this is the case.
As for the MARCNA pictures - I can not get them transferred off the DVD and on to the web. I'll keep trying but for now will have to wait.
Rod and I have been working on the house in Neosho Rapids again. I washed down and put an oil finish on all the cabinets last night. I'm anxious to see how they turned out. If this expensive stuff I bought (Restorz It) works it will save me a lot of sanding and refinishing. I sure hope this is the case.
As for the MARCNA pictures - I can not get them transferred off the DVD and on to the web. I'll keep trying but for now will have to wait.
Monday, April 7, 2008
M.A.R.C.N.A. XXV
Another convention come and gone. It was a fulfulling and exhausting weekend. We did very well as a committee. Many kudos were expressed. All the hard work was appreciated. My time was spent behind skirted banquet tables selling merchandise. And did we ever sell a lot. My good friends Lee, Flo and Joe & Dawn were the best helpers ever. My sponsor, Betty, was a great support as well. I've decided to volunteer one more year and then pass the baton to the next service junkie. I'll post pictures soon.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Friday Friday Friday
It's going to be a crazy day. An exhausting day. An exciting day. A day where I'm going to need to ask for help. Something I don't really like to do. Here I am at MARCNA 25 and gearing up for a day filled with service to NA. As my best friend Shelley would say, "after 16+ yrs of attending this convention, it is time to give back". So I'm serving as the Merchandising Chair this year. Has this ever been a humbling experience. And I'm sure more opportunities are forthcoming to practice all the spiritual principles I've learned thus far. I'm grateful to be a part of something so much larger than me - N.A.
HP please give me the strength to do everything that's needed to make this a successful day and weekend.
HP please give me the strength to do everything that's needed to make this a successful day and weekend.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
18 Years CLEAN
Well it is the big day for me. 18 years ago today I started on the best journey of my life. Of course I did not know it at the time - on that day 18 yrs ago I was bitter, emaciated, spiritually void, and full of fear. Through some willingness on my part and other people putting faith in me I turned my life over to a new way. Learning a new way to live saved my life. For this I am grateful. Thank You HP for being patient and Thank You N.A. every day.
Happy Birthday to Me - Happy, Joyous, and Free
Happy Birthday to Me - Happy, Joyous, and Free
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
April Fool's Day
Another month gone by - a quarter of 2008 already. April 1st has started out cold and damp. It is hard to accept how fast the remainder of this year will be.
My mind has been filled with what yet needs to be done before leaving for Lawrence to participate in the 25th Silver Celebration convention of the Mid America Region of Narcotics Anonymous. I'm excited to be a part of the committee again this year. Rod picked up most of the merchandising paraphernalia yesterday. My office and car are full of boxes.
Today I'm grateful for friends and family.
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